Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
