Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
