He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
