She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
