You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
