I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
