Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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