I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
