Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
