i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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