there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
