So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
