can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i drank out of a bidet.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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