I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
