The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize