It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
