I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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