I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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