Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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