is your mom at the bar?
we have officially lost it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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