yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
