I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
