we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
