I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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