i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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