Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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