My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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