someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
