I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
