How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Too much gin, very little bucket
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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