textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
