I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
