i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
