Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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