Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
