Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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