Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
