he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
