wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
