census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
