After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
