they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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