I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
barbara walters just said penis...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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