his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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