Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
