Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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