If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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