My balls are so social today.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
