So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think people are normalizing furries
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
