Don't you send me to vm
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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