your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
