I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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