Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
